My family is always trying to pressure me into watching their gay (gay as in stupid, not gay gay. I love the gays. I have no problem with the gays. They seem like a very nice people) movies. To this day I refuse to watch gems like Frequency and Dogma. Yea, I get it, Jesus can talk through some old radio to his hot father Dennis Quaid, and Ben Affleck’s forehead is trying to ruin the earth or something. Whatev. The point is, don’t tell me what movie to watch or I will cut you. This was the case for the Kill Bill films. My whole family was all: “Angela, Angela, watch this! You’ll like it! C’mon Ange!” and I’m all: “F@#$ off mom! I don’t love you!”. Actually, my mom hasn’t seen Kill Bill and now that I think of it, nobody pressured me into watching it. Disregard that whole paragraph.
So, the movie is playing, and I’m all: eww! She’s all bloody and battered! Then I’m all: ahhhh! Those sirens! My ears are bleeding! My earssss!!! Finally the bloody face and sirens went away. The next thing I know, stork is laying in a hospital bed and I hear incessant whistling. “But whereever is this whistling coming from?” I pondered to myself. My questions were answered when I spotted a nurse walking down the hallway, whistling away. “Nurse?” I snorted. Momma didn’t raise no fool. I knew that wasn’t a nurse. It was just skeletor dressed up in a nurse’s uniform. As she entered stork’s hospital room, I knew it wouldn’t be pretty. She began to get out a needle to inject stork with somethi--OH SWEET LORD WHAT THE HELL IS GROWING ON HER WRISTS?!?!?!?! There they were. Clear as day. My eyes bulged out of my skull, in pure disbelief at what they had just witnessed. There, looking at the screen, I made a revelation. Daryl Hannah had hands the size cantelopes. Disfigured, hand-shaped cantelopes, of course.
Were these hands just an oversight made by Quentin in casting this film? Did he honestly not notice those gargantuan claws? After some serious thought and consideration, I knew that these man hands were no mistake. This raised another question. Why would Quentin want such big hands in his film? How were they important to the movie? I decided that the only way to find out would be by playing a good ol’ fashion game of “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”.
Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon
1. Daryl Hannah’s man hands in Kill Bill were like that of a prize-winning watermelon
2. Watermelons have seeds in them.
3. If you don’t get the seedless kind, you usually have to pick the seeds out.
4. Some may consider the picking out of seeds an act of “spelunking”.
5. In the film A Stir of Echoes, Tom Witzky has to “spelunk” in his basement.
6. Kevin Bacon plays Tom Witzky.
Oh I had played the game, but I still hadn’t solved the mystery. What made these mandhands so special? I knew I had only one solution left. I needed to ask the man himself, Quentin. Luckily, I had left him on my speed dial since my brief appearance in Pulp Fiction as “the gimp”, and I immediately called him.
*Ring* *ring* *ring* *ring* *ring*. “Hi, this is Quentin! I’m not here right now, but leave a message and I’ll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and if this is Ethan, HA HA.” Blast! Still no luck! I paced about the room, still unsure as to what it was that made these man hands so special. That’s when it dawned on me.
Maybe Quentin/ I thought/ was also unsure/
Maybe Quentin/ I thought/ wanted those man hands to mean a little bit more.
I looked down at my hands. They went from small and girlish to three whole sizes larger! I knew my mystery had been solved. Daryl Hannah’s man hands are so important in Kill Bill because they remind us all that Kevin Bacon is the man, and that Stir of Echoes really doesn’t get the credit that it deserves. As this realization swept over me, so did a feeling of relief. I resumed Kill Bill, and I watched it with a new sense of appreci--OH MY SWEET LORD WHAT IS UP WITH UMA’S FEET?!?!?!?!
2005-01-20 -- 6:46 p.m.
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